Grace, Despite a Storm of Anger

This summer I have been harboring a silent, burning anger in my heart...one that I was not ready to admit to anyone, myself included. When my brother came back from college this summer, it was different. My initial gladness that I would be seeing him and being able to hang out with him was soon dissolved-he spent his days either at work, summer classes, or out partying. I knew he still slept in the same house as I did-yet I would be lucky to catch a glimpse of him on any given day. I was resentful.

Now, I have to say that out of all of my immediate family, my elder brother is who I am closest to. Those who know both of us would probably say that we are complete opposites, and most express surprise or shock when I say that we can get along pretty well. Back when i lived in Brooklyn, he was who I spent time with. He was a protector, a playmate, a fellow soldier in the battle against my parents, and an occasional bully. In many ways he helps me grow up, and I established a foundation of trust and respect for him that I thought I would never lose. As siblings do however, our lives diverged into two separate ones as we grew older. Nevertheless I knew he would be there if i needed him. Like most boys he is shy to speak with TOO much affection-but he would always be there to listen to my problems and give me some solid advice when I needed it.


Eventually I did start to see a little more of him once his summer classes ended. He started driving me to SAT classes. One day he invited his girlfriend over and they went off to eat, and when I called to make sure he was coming home in time to drive me to my class, he promised he would be home soon. My SAT class was at 6. He did not return until 6:45, and I was an hour late to class. The whole time I was so angry, so jealous. After that I spent days raging about how irresponsible he always seemed to be, recalling all the little careless or immature mistakes he had made this summer, how it was obvious he no longer cared for me or my little brother Patrick like he had once claimed. To be left, abandoned, just so he could have fun with some girl. To have turned into an empty-hearted fool that had nothing but my scorn and bitterness.

and then I read this.

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

Proverbs 16:32

To feel so consumed with rage...well, it would be appropriate to say that I was blinded by my anger. So blind, that I let it take over my heart and my spirit. When I read that verse it swept away the storms in my eyes-my feelings of being hurt and angry had led me astray from God. I had forgotten mercy, and yes, despite my blog's username, grace.

Since then my brother has regained my trust and respect, despite his shortcomings. Grace has re-entered my relationship with him.

How many times have I sinned? How many atrocities have I committed in actuality or in heart? How many times have I been irresponsible and ended up hurting a loved one?
So for me to sin against Him, my beautiful Savior, my Creator, my One and Only....
If a stupid error like the one my brother made was so hurtful to me, I can't even begin to imagine the hurt that my sins cause to One who loves me so much.
Yet, that is exactly why we have mercy. That is why we have been offered the cross. God's love.

Truth, Undisguised.

^ attempted drawing for new jubo design
except that's like, MAD INK when you print out 25 copies of that every week
so i'll have to come up with something else =/

DC Talk's "Jesus Freak"-
Separated, I cut myself clean
From a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams
Been apprehended by a spiritual force
And a grace that replaced all the me I've divorced

What will people think
When they hear that I'm a Jesus freak
What will people do when they find that it's true
I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak
There ain't no disguising the truth

Freak. Harsh words. When I was younger, I pretty much thought those words every time someone even spoke about "God" or "Jesus Christ". In the back of my mind I would roll my eyes and immediately judge the person to be a weirdo church freak. My mom told me that Christians believed Jesus was the Son of God and that he had paid for our sins by his death on the cross. I think someone even gave me a book that illustrated several stories from the bible. So, although I knew one of the most basic essentials of faith, I did not actually understand the absolute magnitude of his doing so. To me, they were just stories. I believed I was such a good girl that Jesus dying for me-well, there was not much to pay for in my case, even if the story I read on those pages were really true.

But thank God for the friends and the numerous adults who have Christ in their lives-never giving up on trying to get me to church. Over my middle school years my attempts at a spiritual life was on and off. There would be long periods in which I would sing, praise, and read the bible, yet at times I would find myself straying and avoiding church for months at a time.

I think sometimes by growing up around so many Christians, those of you who have the privilege of being raised in Christ often become blinded to how desperate the world is. This applies for myself as well, because even though my home is not in Christ, many of my closest friends at school are followers. However....when we are forced to confront those who are not saved, those who challenge us with their eyes and words...we feel unprepared, anxious that we won't find the proper words to express truth, fearful of rejection. Furthermore, by constantly being surrounded by our church community and people who do know truth, we grow unconscious of the URGENCY of the need to spread Christ-this world is absolutely filled with greed, sorrows, cheap thrills, and billions desperately seeking a method to fill the empty schism in their lives. Only Christ can do the latter. When fear creeps into our hearts however, we shy away from speaking the Gospel to those who do not know it...defeating the purpose of our claim that He is the "truth." If He really is the truth, we have an obligation to tell everyone about it. If we believe, yet keep silent, it would mean we have chosen to condemn this world to hell. He calls us to spread his word. He calls us to unite as one, so that we can let Him save others through us. World, you can call me whatever you want-church freak, weirdo, bible-thumper. But i'm sick of disguising truth. So let's do it-let's be freaks for Jesus.

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

Where are my eyes fixed?

Hey guys. I like blogspot. It's so pretty..

Anyways!

So I hate to remind everyone, but school is starting soon. As for me, junior year commences on September 4th. I was nervous because everyone tells me junior year is the most difficult of highschool years-dealing with things like SAT, ACT, AP exams, portfolio reviews from colleges..the list goes on and on. PLUS, next year I will be one out of five of the leaders of my highschool's Christian Club (Jon is another one btw) and we are determined to make a comeback in our school. Basically this year will be very busy to say the least.

I've been freaking out about this the past couple days..being really scared haha and worried that I won't do as well as I want to in school and all these other things...

but remembering what Scripture says about these times of trouble and worry..

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

So breaking down this verse I get a couple things from it.

1) Don't lose heart!-straightforward enough
2) In the same way we take showers every morning or night to rinse off grime, reading/praying/praising every morning or night is how we should rinse off the worldly things that have tried to draw us away as each day comes. Without showers you'll be really really...ucky and smelly........ew. Without daily spiritual cleansing, you'll find yourself living for worldy things and an unclean, unholy life.
3) Sticking through it all by trusting in Him and continuing to shine His glory even in the darkest of times will bring you the best thing that can ever happen: eternal life in heaven..!
4)Yeah yeah...school and those other things are relatively important, so every once in a while I have to catch myself and ask myself what I am truly living this life for. In other words, what are your eyes fixed on?

EDIT: WOAH i didn't even realize that I used the same verse that Pastor Steph told us would be the basis of this upcoming Sunday's sermon. Well then, haha let's see what his take on it is.