Heart of Faith

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9

I'm sure all of you have heard this verse before, but its probably one of the most encouraging verses for me and gives me so much strength when I feel down. So this week, there were alot of highs and lows for me...its surprising how many things you can feel in one week.

First of let me just say that God has blessed this week with a whole bunch of things. Christian Club had its first meeting and we are having daily morning prayer sessions. So many people showed up we didn't even have enough chairs in the classroom and people were sitting on tables and the floor. Nonbeliever friends are coming to the meetings with an open heart in search of God. There's even one who is waking up madddd early to get to the prayer sessions. Wow haha. I mean, until I just typed that sentence the magnitude of that hasn't hit me hard like it should. How awesome is He to work in my school with such grace and power, amen?
School is going fairly well, and I am keeping on top of things so far. I am thankful for the other leaders so that every other day Jon will lead prayer and I have a chance to just pray to my God without any other cares or distractions. Next week we will be starting devos!

Anyway, so even though this week was definitely full of the work of God, I still was feeling so discouraged. The first meeting of C-Club was pretty good according the members who attended, but I felt like I did such a poor job in organizing and working with my fellow leaders to prepare for the meeting. Also since there were so many people and it was so crowded, everyone was talking and I lost my temper and starting yelling for people to be quiet every five minutes. I was in such a bad mood the whole meeting, and I probably said a lot of awful things without meaning it. After that day I didn't feel like God had worked through me at all, and if I wasn't doing His work, then what was I doing leading this club at all? I also am still not really sure about my leadership at DEM. When I email the girls it's almost as if I'm talking to myself because I don't know how to reach out to others as well as Frances does. Another thing is, one of my nonbeliever friends started asking me so many questions about God that I had a hard time answering them all. She was asking me questions I guess that are pretty typical, things like "Where do babies go if they die unbaptized, how can a murderer be saved if he accepts Christ on his deathbed and a good man dies and goes to hell.." I tried to answer all of them but it was like rapid-fire questioning and I do not think I did much justice to them. I only had a few verses of Scripture to back up what I was saying, and I feel like she left me feeling dubious about my answers. The good news is however, that I convinced her to keep on attending Christian Club, and that we will be addressing each question she asked.

So that night I prayed really hard that God would lift me up and give me a heart dedicated to Him. But you know, there is a clear distinction between knowing something in your mind and believing it with your heart. It's like...I know that(especially after listening to Pastor Steph's sermon last sunday) that I should have faith in Him by remembering all that He has done for me, but for me sometimes its just hard to really get your heart to believe it. My brain goes, "Okay. So you're having a hard time with this. You know what to do! You've listened to the sermons, and you've read His word every day. You know that God will carry you through these storms and pick you up like He always does." But my heart sometimes is just so deadened and crushed by the world that it's hard.

This is where God comes in, and I think this is why we should ALWAYS be praying for a heart of Christ. Pray that he will change us and move us with His merciful grace to the very core of our hearts, that deepest and darkest corners of our souls will be penetrated with His light. That even in times of darkness, you will not only know what Scripture says, but that your heart will believe it.

"We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is for your perfection."
2 Corinthians 13:9