Grace, Despite a Storm of Anger

This summer I have been harboring a silent, burning anger in my heart...one that I was not ready to admit to anyone, myself included. When my brother came back from college this summer, it was different. My initial gladness that I would be seeing him and being able to hang out with him was soon dissolved-he spent his days either at work, summer classes, or out partying. I knew he still slept in the same house as I did-yet I would be lucky to catch a glimpse of him on any given day. I was resentful.

Now, I have to say that out of all of my immediate family, my elder brother is who I am closest to. Those who know both of us would probably say that we are complete opposites, and most express surprise or shock when I say that we can get along pretty well. Back when i lived in Brooklyn, he was who I spent time with. He was a protector, a playmate, a fellow soldier in the battle against my parents, and an occasional bully. In many ways he helps me grow up, and I established a foundation of trust and respect for him that I thought I would never lose. As siblings do however, our lives diverged into two separate ones as we grew older. Nevertheless I knew he would be there if i needed him. Like most boys he is shy to speak with TOO much affection-but he would always be there to listen to my problems and give me some solid advice when I needed it.


Eventually I did start to see a little more of him once his summer classes ended. He started driving me to SAT classes. One day he invited his girlfriend over and they went off to eat, and when I called to make sure he was coming home in time to drive me to my class, he promised he would be home soon. My SAT class was at 6. He did not return until 6:45, and I was an hour late to class. The whole time I was so angry, so jealous. After that I spent days raging about how irresponsible he always seemed to be, recalling all the little careless or immature mistakes he had made this summer, how it was obvious he no longer cared for me or my little brother Patrick like he had once claimed. To be left, abandoned, just so he could have fun with some girl. To have turned into an empty-hearted fool that had nothing but my scorn and bitterness.

and then I read this.

He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

Proverbs 16:32

To feel so consumed with rage...well, it would be appropriate to say that I was blinded by my anger. So blind, that I let it take over my heart and my spirit. When I read that verse it swept away the storms in my eyes-my feelings of being hurt and angry had led me astray from God. I had forgotten mercy, and yes, despite my blog's username, grace.

Since then my brother has regained my trust and respect, despite his shortcomings. Grace has re-entered my relationship with him.

How many times have I sinned? How many atrocities have I committed in actuality or in heart? How many times have I been irresponsible and ended up hurting a loved one?
So for me to sin against Him, my beautiful Savior, my Creator, my One and Only....
If a stupid error like the one my brother made was so hurtful to me, I can't even begin to imagine the hurt that my sins cause to One who loves me so much.
Yet, that is exactly why we have mercy. That is why we have been offered the cross. God's love.